


That One

by rednihilist



Series: The Longest Road [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Drama, Gen, Hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-07
Updated: 2014-03-07
Packaged: 2018-01-14 22:49:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1281658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rednihilist/pseuds/rednihilist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wherein things keep going wrong but not as wrong as they could.</p>
            </blockquote>





	That One

**Author's Note:**

> TW: suicidal thoughts

The one most often recurring is the nightmare within the dream, where he thrashes 'awake' from images of bloody fists, soot-covered armor and the sounds of gunfire, screaming and metal on metal to find himself lying in blankets on the edge of the world. It's a platform positioned above a huge lake, the ocean maybe, and beyond are orange and purple mountains and thick clouds and something inside him whispers, "Jump. Go. It's beautiful." But, there are people behind him, inside the building to which his platform, his nest, is attached. They're talking about him, and he can't just leave them there, at least not without saying he's leaving, that he's going to jump, take the plunge, dive headfirst into that water and never come back ashore.  
  
He knows, is pretty sure what it all means. The word 'suicide' comes up in damn near every conversation about his mental well-being, his condition. The fact that it's so damn inviting should probably scare him, but it's—so damn inviting he can't muster up anything more than slight regret over the fact it's come to this. He never tells anyone, does all he can to keep it to himself, but night after night it's the body count racking up and then the escape he so desperately wants always just out of reach. It's right there: a perfect end to everything, literally going off into the sunset and everyone safe as houses without him.  
  
A great period to this fucking joke of a life.  
  
It's always Steve's voice ringing out that stops him, though. From inside the building he can't see behind him, he'll hear Steve say, "Buck doesn't need. . . " and that's when he'll falter—right there on the verge of diving into the water. He gets out of the blankets every time, and he stands up and walks to the edge, and it's goddamn Steve Rogers who stops him, indirectly, unknowingly, unintentionally. It's Steve doing what Steve always does, automatically, unconsciously, that pulls him back, stops him in his tracks.  
  
And so Bucky will wake up from a nightmare into a dream into whatever reality is now, and nothing's ever as real as those mountains, as the deep black water below, the clouds pressing the whole world down—and the certainty that if he stepped off, Steve would be the only one who'd honestly have a problem with it.


End file.
